Goodbye Mr Chimp

Posted: July 25, 2011 in The Roper Files

Gotta admit you had me fooled. I thought you were the company owner; you sure carried yourself as such.  Always out of the office and out on the floor a few minutes before breaks and lunch to see who was working and who wasn’t. And oh the way you were always walking around with that I-Phone pressed to your ear: “Oh look at me; I’m so much more important than the likes of you. See? I’m on the phone!”

Yes you were certainly the Cock Of The Walk.

When it was announced that we had new owners (AGAIN; like this was something new) and you came over to where I was working and started bitching at me because I wasn’t Doing It The Way We Did It Back East I knew locking horns with you was inevitable.

Oh I made my best effort: I smiled when I felt like kicking you in the crotch with a steel-toed shoe. I called you Sir when I felt like calling you an asshole. I showed up for work every day before sunrise when it would have been so much easier to ignore that alarm clock and roll over and go back to sleep. I groaned through your boring-as-church meetings (which were nothing short of an endurance test) without telling you how much your voice sounds like Lewis Black imitating Jerry Lewis.

And I certainly don’t think I’ll ever forget the day you chose to wave a part that I messed up around at everybody during a meeting and just had to inform the entire company that “this was scrapped by the water jet operator”  Oh you didn’t mention me by name but everyone knew who you were referring to. You displayed all the tact of a “Denver boot” that day. But you sent more than one message to the entire shop; I’m pretty sure that if anyone there had any doubts about you being a prick those doubts got laid to rest.

If you had a problem with my job performance I guess it would have been beneath your dignity to…oh I don’t know…say… come talk to me about it. You know like I’m a adult. Or a person. You know; talk to me Man To Man.

Not rag on me in front of the entire company like we’re in goddam middle school.

Then they rounded us up this morning to announce you were No Longer With The Company. Well golly gosh gee…what a loss! Oh I’m sure the REAL owners will replace you with someone even more annoying if that’s possible, but I’ll miss YOU like that flat tire I had once on the Airport Freeway at 5pm. Or that lump my hernia caused. Or as much as I miss Bush & Cheney being in the White House.

But that’s okay. I’m an adult. I will move on. I’ve been with the company for over 20 years; I’ve withstood a whole zoo’s worth of owners and their inner circles of lackey and toady sub-management. To me it’s just like riding out a storm. This too shall pass. Ho hum….

Maybe someday we’ll run into each other again.

And whatever happens after that…well…you can’t fire me anymore.

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