With A Plop And A Splash It’s Yesterdays News!

Posted: October 11, 2009 in The Roper Files
october11th 2009
Got cold last night (for Texas in October anyway) the temperature went down to the mid-40’s.
Dug out the winter blankets and wrapped myself up like a mummy in heavy layers of wool.
Slept for several hours and got up and did my usual ritual of making coffee etc. Hate to waste a second on weekends; don’t like “burning daylight” on my days off.

Found a plate of leftover food and a plastic container that had originally held some hot and sour soup I had brought home yesterday on the living room table. Scraped everything into a plastic bag with a stinky cat food can and yesterday’s coffee grounds. Grabbed the keys and it’s off for a little pre-dawn visit to the dumpster up the street while the coffee brews.

Pad silently past my darkened neighbors houses. Round a corner and there’s the apartments in the next block. Round another corner and there’s the dumpster just a few feet off the street. I sink my stinky load into the steel dumpster like a Harlem Globetrotter. So much for that; spin around on one heel and turn back for the house.

Must have slept so soundly I didn’t notice that it has rained last night; everything is soaking wet. There are pools of standing water in my yard; the ground is saturated. As I walk past my front yard I notice part of my Sunday newspaper sticking out of a puddle at an angle like the Titanic. I pull it out slowly as if that will make it less wet. It’s in a plastic bag; maybe it’s alright?

Take it in the house; I can smell my French Roast now. Put the newspaper in the bathtub and un-roll the plastic bag off of it slowly like I’m removing a condom. Get it off finally just to discover about 1/8th of the corner of the main sections are soaked through.

Lotto numbers (rats; wrong ones again!) and Sunday store coupons aside, why do I still take this goddam thing anyway? It’s yesterday’s news anyway; I’ve already read it all on either Yahoo or MSN.
Peel the sections apart, drape them on cookie sheets and put the oven on “low”
Thanks to this Fred Flintstone Vs. Arnold the newsboy existence, I’ve gotten pretty good at drying these things out.

A few minutes later ( “hey what’s that smell?…oh yeah…”) the paper’s done. Remove it with the barbecue tongs. Obama may have gotten the Nobel, but does he know how to save a soggy newspaper? Guess I’ll have to settle for reading yesterday’s news as my reward in the meantime.

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