Paralysis

Posted: February 21, 2009 in The Roper Files

feb-9-2009-002

I’ve got so many things I need to do…and I can’t get started.
Spinning my wheels seems to be a way of life for me; take right now for example.
My house is a mess and needs to be cleaned up. I need to go to the grocery store, got a lot of stuff I need to buy. Really need to go eat; been sitting around drinking coffee all morning. The strings on all three of my guitars need to be changed. I need to shave and can’t even talk myself into doing that.
Can’t get started on any of this; I’ve got a total lack of energy today. Can’t move.

The sun is out but the wind is howling from the north with a fury; the rain gutters outside and the awnings on my windows make a lot of noise when the winds blows faster than 30 mph and they’re doing it now. Never really can get used to it; it’s a disconcerting sound (“What’s that?”)
So much easier to just stay in; who wants to go spend money anyhow? Lay on the futon, shiver and listen to the wind; sounds like the house is going to go spinning off like a Frisbee. Don’t want to be on the road anyway; windy days make me burn twice as much gas. Best to stay in.

As I lay on the futon I close my eyes and enjoy the quiet. Turn the ringers off on the phones; that’s always a good start for some much-needed serenity. Turn off the TV too; bad news won’t help my headache. Turn off the lights; this is good.

I know this can’t last forever. The phone will ring; someone wanting me to leave and do something. Better not look in that mailbox either; never good news in there. Man listen to that wind…
Close my eyes a little tighter as if this will keep the world away and out of my life. Something thumps outside; what’s that? Who cares? Not getting up off this futon; no way.

Tired of other people dictating my schedule to me; sick of work. I need a vacation and a real one too.
Get on a jet and get away from this place and not just for a weekend. But I’m so tired; can’t even imagine putting myself through the stress of traveling right now. Lugging bags through the airport. Playing stare-down with Customs. Ugh. Just fine where I am.

Time to get pro-active; time to declare a Declaration of my serenity. Lock the doors, turn off the phones. Draw the blinds. Today is my day off; stay out! As Tarzan once so wisely said: “People trouble” Think he was onto something there. That’s it; isolation is the key to my sanity today.
Problem…solution.

Lay on the futon and screw my eyes tighter. The dark, the quiet are too serene; this just can’t last.
But I like it. Just wish the wind would let up.
I waited patiently all week long for the weekend to get here and now I’m in a “now what?” mood I can’t seem to shake. Can’t get excited about doing anything; just want to lay here and vegetate.
Why do I feel guilty about this? I worked hard this week; I even washed, dried and folded five loads of laundry yesterday. A day of goofing off is earned I think. Of course I’m sure by the end of the day other people will have different ideas. And that’s where not answering the phone or the door come in.
But then again certain thoughts in the back of my mind keep niggling at me. Things need to be done. Time’s a-wastin’. I’m burning daylight.

Get up, look around. Start to get dressed. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Decisions, decisions.
Harvey Pekar was right; ordinary life IS pretty complex stuff. Complex enough for me anyway

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