Dichotomy For Dumb-asses: The Two Sides Of My Brain

Posted: January 24, 2009 in The Roper Files
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While civil discourse and unrest underscore todays headlines, there is another ongoing, never-ceasing battle going on here locally that doesn’t get much press coverage. No reporters from any media cover this untold story. There are no UN inspectors shaking their heads at the carnage it has left behind. And that may well be because much like the Loch Ness Monster, or Bigfoot or UFOs there isn’t a lot of physical evidence of this battle. No charred corpses. No burning phosphorus shells. No smoldering tanks.

But make no mistake dear readers this battle has been going on for fifty years and yes it exists and it rages on up until this very nanosecond you sit and read these words. Where is this battle? It rages withing the confines of my very cranium. Yes that’s right; there is a war inside of my head. An intense blazing, smoking round of warfare being waged by two opposing, unyielding sides both equally convinced that they are right, the other guy is wrong and that they are going to fight it out until the last one is left standing. And like all other wars, that’s the part that scares me.

Of course a little background is in order here. As Moe Howard once so wisely said: “I’ll explain this so even you can understand it” ….


As far as I can tell my brain is divided into two halves. On one side we have the logical, intelligent side. This is the side of my brain that makes me get up and go to work in the morning. The side that I work out vigorously each day staring at blurry blueprints that look like fly-shit for hours at a time. This is the side that makes sure I stop for cat food and milk on the way home from work. The side that reminds me to go get money orders to pay the bills, fill them out and drop them in the mail box. The side that looks around the house and says: “This place is filthy; you need to clean today” The side that reminds me to keep up my personal hygiene, check and return my e-mails, stop at the gas station and fill up while I’m on the way home from returning that ladder I borrowed, the side that reminds me to pull the shirts out of the dryer and fold them. And then there’s that other side of my brain… 


The other side of my brain is the Homer Simpson/Peter Griffin side of Brian. The Oscar Madison side if you will. The side that would rather shoot up that burned-out computer monitor with my .357 as opposed to taking it to the recycling center. The side that rakes leaves into the back of my truck and loses them on the freeway instead of composting them. The side that forgets to return phone calls or e-mails. The side that forgets to feed the cats or change their water. The side that convinces me to dig out a stack of old CDs or DVDs instead of cleaning the house and vegging out on the futon. The side that has me drooling over nude girls on the Internet instead of doing my income tax return. The side that can’t remember the dates of either of my parent’s birthdays or their anniversary to save my life. The side that puts my cars keys in the fridge and leaves that gallon of milk on the counter overnight.


These two opposing sides don’t care much for each other. They see each other as taking up too much potential elbow room. Too much breathing space. They want each others turf, and they’re not above warring for it. And fight for it they do; and I get splitting migraines when they do. And I think I’ve developed a severe case of entirely involuntary ADD as a side-effect; I seem to have a multi-second attention span these days. And I seem to be paying for it in numerous ways.

Will the two sides ever come to a cease-fire? Good question. In the meantime I carry on the best I know how from day to day. I have no Henry Kissinger, no Madeline Albright, no Condi Rice , no Jimmy Carter or any Bill Clinton to act as negotiator here ( and considering their past levels of success in the Middle East, that’s probably for the best) No secretary of state to offer up terms of any  accord or cease-fire conditions. I will be carrying future updates on this conflict exclusively here on File23…


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