A TYPICAL WEEKEND MORNING by Brian Roper

Posted: October 20, 2007 in The Roper Files

ballistics.jpg 

Sitting here drinking coffee. A few feet away on TVLand, Lurch is playing his harpsichord for the entertainment of the Addams Family. In reality the actor Ted Cassidy is pretending to play the harpsichord while Vic Mizzy (who did all the music) is playing a tune I recognize as a Raymond Scott melody (“In a 18th Century Drawing Room”) Just the fact I can pick up on that level of trivia is all the proof I need that man, that is some good coffee bean I’m drinking. Wish I could be this sharp 24-7.

Oh, the picture above? My friend Tom Finn just recently brought me a handful of pictures he took way back during those wacky 80’s. Tom used to have this Andy Warhol-ish habit of documenting everything around him. Used to wear those baggy camo pants with multiple pockets before it became the white trash chic it is today stuffed with a mini-recorder, rolls of film etc. You never knew if Tom was recording your conversations or not. One of these days he’s going to put all this shit on the Web and mortify us all, but until then you’ll have to make do with me carefully selecting photos from the ones he laid on me as well as the ones from my personal stash.

I’ve published pictures of myself with guns lately on the Web. In an age where everyone is a potential terror suspect, this is probably the stupidest thing a person could do. So I feel a strong disclaimer is in my own best personal interest. First of all let’s get one thing understood; I am a lazy bastard. I have no immediate agenda against anyone that requires me getting off my pimply ass, leaving the house and having to expend the physical effort required to cause harm to anyone.  So  there! 

There’s also an ammunition shortage right now. That’s right. Despite our alleged American ingenuity ( and an estimated 13 million illegal immigrants) the good people who manufacture ammunition can’t keep up with the demand; consequently the price of ammo is sky-rocketing. So I personally am NOT stalking and killing anyone anytime soon. My hollow points are for emergencies only, like if someone is stupid enough to come in uninvited. If that happens, a certain bit of advice once proffered by G.Gordon Liddy comes to mind. 

The photo above dates back to the 80’s the exact year Gawd only knows. An alcohol-soaked afternoon (one of many; think JACKASS with guns and you pretty much get the idea) doing extremely un-scientific ballistics tests on wet phone books as well as bottles, cans, old television sets, pictures of people I hated and too many other items to list here at a 55-acre farm I lived at for three years. Our nearest neighbor back then was a mile away. 

Drove out there a few years ago and wanted to pull over and have a good cry. New roads cut across the rolling pastures I remembered.  I was so disgusted; urban sprawl had finally reached my middle of nowhere. The house I lived in was a good 100 yards off the road; now the road going there is lined with McMansions built  with the front door practically on the road. How obscene! If you started shooting out there now, everyone would be on their cellphones calling the sheriff. It was a different time, a different era indeed. 

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