What DO You Say To Your Favorite Porn Actress? by Brian Roper

Posted: September 8, 2007 in The Roper Files

annie-sprinkle-polaroid-aug-21st-l998bnc.png 

Brian Roper on a very special assignment for File 23…Hey it’s a tough job, but someones gotta do it.

August 1998: It’s another hot-as-a baked-potato Saturday morning in Texas. The humidity clings to you like the worst skin eating virus on Earth. The sun pierces you like a red-hot sword, and like an Arab I’ve learned over the years the value of loose white clothing. I love over-sized white t-shirts, especially in the summer.

I’m slipping on one such t-shirt as the phone rings. A couple I know have invited me to dinner; cool, even if I do have to leave the sanctuary of the File23 Central Command Post. We agree on a designated time, and I hang up.

Later for lunch I’m chowing down on a burger and flipping through a Dallas Observer, one of those free-and-worth-every-penny-of-it weeklies every city has. In the back, amongst the personals and the “escort” ads, I spot a face.

FLASHBACK: It’s the late 70’s/early 80’s (don’t remember; those years were SUCH a blur) and I’m flipping through an issue of HUSTLER. I do remember it was in that weird period after Larry got shot, “found Jesus” and his wife Althea basically took over and the magazine went through a brief make-over of sorts.

It was during this period they began reviewing non-porn movies and even books in their review section. In one issue they reviewed a book called Forbidden Photographs or something like that. One picture they reprinted showed a man with two daggers piercing his pecs (my first thought: some people have WAY too much time on their hands) which were being held by a woman standing next to him in sexy black lingerie whose face I locked on to immediately.

How do I say this without sounding like John Hinckley? She was a slightly heavy-set, yet very beautiful black haired woman with a hauntingly attractive face. Who WAS this woman I wondered, simultaneously repulsed at the picture of Mr. Dagger-Pecs and fascinated by this lovely lady at the same time.

Years later I would find out her name was Annie Sprinkle and I would begin to seek out her movies on VHS.

But alas the “adult” stores I would go to seemed to have a “Top 40” attitude about stocking their inventory, and the shelves were always barren of the vintage XXX I craved.

Later during the 90’s, I would discover Something Weird  (www.somethingweird.com ) and Alpha Blue Archives (www.alphabluearchives.com ) who were intelligent enough to cater to those of us who remember when XXX still meant “dirty Movies” and were shot on FILM. And yeah, I’m old enough to remember when Phil Collins had hair too, but that’s another story. One that will cost you plenty.

As a lifelong bachelor, I’d be lying if I said I’ve never enjoyed a particular favorite XXX tape during a lonely moment (Uh..hi Mom! ) but I can’t handle the modern stuff. Too many tattoos and piercings for my tastes. Modern porn-makers these days look like they get their performers from some circus side-show.

HERE’S A NEWSFLASH, PEOPLE: piercings and tattoos are nothing new!

Besides the practice dating back to Mayan times and beyond, Annie had all that stuff 20 years ago! Still feel cutting edge? (Mental note: invest in tattoo removal clinic.) I’ve got something more bad-ass than tattoos. I’ve got SCARS. But that’s another story…

Back to me reading the Dallas Observer. Once again, years later, there’s That Face, and I lock on to the page.

One Day Only screams the ad; a personal appearance at some adult store in West Dallas!

Hot damn, where’s that Mapsco? A quick study of the map reveals the store is about a mile and a half north of Texas Stadium, right in the shaft of the Fort Worth/ Dallas PenisPlex (Look at a Texas map; you’ll get the joke) a dense urban Hell-hole I seldom drive through for sanity’s sake alone, but today I have a Purpose! A reason.

Start grabbing stuff; namely my (formerly) trusty Canon and a handful of goodies to get autographed. Her book (Post-Porn Modernist) and the comic adaptation of the book, and two nude postcards of her I bought in LA. Everything is tossed in the seat of my classic battered Chevy pickup truck along with the much-needed Mapsco and I’m off!

To get there I have to go down the Airport Freeway, which must hold some sort of Guinness Record for never-ending road construction. Right between Fort Worth and Dallas, it’s like the skinny part of an hourglass where all the sand is trying to get through, only at 80-90 mph and bumper-to-bumper at the same time.

After a nice stress-inducing teeth-grinding, white-knuckle drive I find the place in an industrial area. On the way over I’ve been wondering exactly what to say to her. I’m still wondering as I reach the door and spot a sign: NO CAMERAS!

After returning the Canon to the truck, (and hoping I still have window glass when I get back) I go back in.

The first thing I hear is laughter. A lot of people laughing. I wonder when the last time THAT happened here as I go around a partition and there she is, with her two huge knockers exposed as she poses for a Polaroid with some couple.

There is a short line of people lined up to meet her, including an older, and very normal-looking couple in front of me who looked like they were probably someones’ grandparents. The camera flashes and Annie laughs as she stuffs her boobs back into her dress (“Aw….”)

Feel myself morphing into some strange combination of Goofy and Butthead. I’m beyond nervous; genuinely terrified would be more accurate. I feel like some silly groupie waiting to meet her favorite Beatle, standing there with the previously mentioned books and postcards amongst aisles and aisles of dildos, vibrators,VHS tapes and DVDs with titles like CREAMPIE CUTIES and BUKKAKE BABES (and they got worse, trust me)

A couple of autographs and another Polaroid or two, (There they are again! Hyuk!) and it’s my turn!

I walk towards the table where she’s sitting (Graduation should have been this special) and I feel like I’m diving into a really cold pool. Here I go!

She’s put on a few pounds (haven’t we all?) but the smile she flashes for me is no less engaging than the first time I saw it years before.

Since there are people behind me and I’m slightly intimidated by actually meeting her, I keep the chat brief. She gladly signs everything and drops my jaw a second time by informing me that the first edition of her book is already worth $250. Pretty good for a book I had just bought a brief three years prior! I wonder what it’s worth now as she draws two breasts on the inside cover and signs it. I get her to sign a postcard for my friend Baird Blanton in LA and one for myself as well as my sacred VHS copy of Deep Inside You-Know-Who.

After inquiring about her posing for a photo,she immediately fishes out her big beautiful jugs one more time (“Hyuk!”)

As we pose, she grabs my hand and puts it on her left breast (“It’s OK” she re-assures me. What a idiot; trying to be a Southern gentleman with a porn actress!) You’ll notice in the Polaroid I have the Classic Shit Eating Grin. Wouldn’t you?

Get her to sign the Polaroid and turn to leave. The last thing she says to me as I walk away: “You should go sell that book!”

Zoom back to Fort Worth, shower (“Oh shit, I washed that hand!”) change clothes and u-turn back to the mid-cities for dinner with friends.

Can barely contain myself when asked: “So what did you do today?” I lie and tell them “Oh, nothing.” If they only knew.

Still got the book. I even bought the re-print just in case I ever do decide to sell it, but frankly I’m going to have to be pretty desperate before I do. So keep your eyes on E-Bay and dream.

Oh, and if you’re reading this, hello Annie!

Love your work!

BR

Feb 20 2005

PS. Annie has since started her own site: www.anniesprinkle.org  Nuff said?

*******************************

another re-print of some classic File23…once again ’cause I’m a lazy sod and I also wanted an excuse to re-post that Polaroid

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s