Google THIS!

Posted: July 10, 2006 in The Roper Files

googlethisThe Internet has become a modern-day Sword Of Damocles. Almost daily the local newspaper contains some story about the horrors of identity theft.

The morning, noon and evening news all run stories constantly about CyberStalkers after your kids. Shows like AMERICAS MOST WANTED routinely feature stories about ex-husbands/ex-boyfriends using search engines to look up their exes and settle old scores or act on old grudges. Shit, no one’s safe! Damn you, Internet!

Just for laughs recently, I Googled my own name. Man, I am ONE accomplished guy, lemme tell you.

Funny how I’m always the last to know these things but I’m president, vice-president, chancellor and vice-chancellor or dean at numerous colleges and universities worldwide.

Looks like I’m giving a lecture at Oxford this week; guess I should start packing, huh?

Seems like I’m an Olympian athlete as well: I’m a football, soccer, baseball and basketball star. How about that; I’m a quadruple threat! I also coach several teams.

I had a starring role in THE SECRET GARDEN. I’m a hairdresser too, sweetie.

My teenage dream of being a musician also came true; I’m in several bands across the world, including a Christian punk band. There’s an oxymoron if I ever heard it; moshing for Jesus. Want official Clarks (whoever the hell THEY are) merchandise? You gotta come to me, baby; I’m the source.

My name is all over MySpace. That’s odd, because I’ll be damned if I can remember ever signing up or logging in there.

I’m also the CEO of several corporations; so bow before me and French-kiss my rectum all you lowly workers! Haw haw!

Of course with all these acheivements under my belt, I’m a natural con-artist magnet so there’s lots of FINE people out there offering you my address, phone number, etc. for a price of course. Go ahead, it’s perfectly safe to trust your precious credit card number with these weasels. How bad did you want me? Didn’t think so.

Even if you find me, exactly WHAT are you going to do? I can shoot a Bic cigarette lighter at 20 yards with my trusty S&W .357; are you sure you REALLY want to find me?

Be careful what you wish for; I’ve got a hollow-point with YOUR name on it. Proceed with caution. Peligro.

My family’s not rich; we don’t have money to steal or extort. Most of my transactions are done with cash or money orders; I have no credit card to hi-jack, and don’t want one.

Want to become Brian Roper? Hell, for the right price, I’d sell my identity and then you can join the happy crowd.

We’ll cover the earth; Brian Ropers of the world, unite!

Brian Roper Uber Alles!

BR

July 2006

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